


As Long as I Can Feel You Holding On

by 4thofFive



Category: Hawaii Five-0 (2010)
Genre: M/M, Medical
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-14
Updated: 2014-06-14
Packaged: 2018-02-04 15:45:43
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,914
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1784515
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/4thofFive/pseuds/4thofFive
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A devastating diagnosis threatens Steve and Danny's budding relationship.</p>
            </blockquote>





	As Long as I Can Feel You Holding On

**Author's Note:**

> Title from the song Perfect by Hedley
> 
>  
> 
> I hope I'm not driving people crazy posting all my old stories here.

Danny looked around the doctor’s office nervously, trying to divert his mind by making an inventory of its contents. 

Why did doctor’s offices always look so impersonal he wondered idly as he shifted on the chair, the heel of his left foot bouncing rhythmically on the floor. They all contained the standard brown desk, file cabinet, coat tree and a bunch of ugly framed photos of generic wildlife scenes that looked like they were bought two for one at Wal-Mart. He supposed you could walk into any doctor’s office in any city in North America and it would look the same.

The detective blew out a worried breath. He was anxious to find out why he’d been called back after his round of tests carried out during his recent annual physical. Since he got the call last night he’d been running through all the doomsday scenarios in his head seemingly unable to force the morbid thoughts away. He knew he was being overly paranoid but it was never a good thing when a doctor called you in to “talk about your latest blood test.” 

He ran his fingers through his hair and shifted so the other foot could take its opportunity to bounce on the floor. The problem – if there was one – could be anything of course. Maybe he was low on B12 or…or…needed more vitamin C or something. It didn't have to be bad. It wasn't always bad. Danny rubbed his cold hands together trying to find some warmth.

The blond man startled when the door suddenly flew open behind him and Dr. Jonah Choi entered the room holding a small stack of files and balancing his iPad on top of them. Dr. Choi was probably around Danny’s age – maybe a bit younger – but he looked about 16 and Danny always felt like asking him if he was actually licensed to drive that shiny silver Lexus parked outside.

Choi gave Danny a brief smile and sat down behind his desk and began flicking through the documents on his iPad. A lock of the doctor’s straight black hair fell into his eyes and he pushed it away distractedly then shifted his glasses on his nose before looking up at Danny.

“How are you today Detective?” the doctor asked and Danny felt his heart drop. The question was asked in such a studied, deliberately casual way that Danny knew immediately something was wrong.

“Fine…I’m fine Doc. How are you?” Danny asked automatically although he didn't really care how the doctor was, he just wanted to jump up and run like hell from the room, his fingers stuffed into his ears so he wouldn't have to hear anything bad.

“Oh I’m…I’m good thank you.” Choi shifted nervously on his chair and dropped his eyes away from Danny and glued them to the screen of his iPad. He cleared his throat a bit too loudly.

“Now, Detective, as you recall you had your regular physical recently and we did some blood work.”

Danny nodded dumbly unable to find his voice.

“I’m afraid we’ve found an issue and we wanted to speak to you about it right away so we could begin to take action.”

“What kind of…” Danny’s voice cracked and he had to cough before he could speak again. “What kind of an issue?”

The doctor looked up at Danny, his eyes suddenly filled with sympathy.

“I’m afraid your blood test shows you are HIV positive.”

Danny sat frozen in the chair, unable to move or to speak. He stared at the doctor in mute shock. He could hear a loud roaring in his ears but couldn’t think what was causing the noise. He held the arms of the chair so tightly that his knuckles were white and his fingers began to ache. He was panting for breath.

“…not the death sentence it once was...”  
“…can live for years without…  
“…Magic Johnson has remained healthy after…”  
“…need to discover the source…”  
“…friend you’d like me to call?”

Danny felt certain the doctor was speaking in complete sentences but his hearing kept coming and going as the roaring continued. Danny felt his heart rate speed up and suddenly he couldn’t take in enough air. The detective clutched at his chest, his fingers scrabbling for the buttons on his shirt. He was choking, the shirt was choking him. He had to get air, had to breathe. Sweat was rolling down his neck. Jesus fuck why was it so hot in here!

Suddenly his head was pushed down between his knees and a cool, firm hand was braced on his neck.

“Just take slow deep breaths Detective,” Dr. Choi’s calm voice began to seep through the roaring. “You’re going to be ok you just need to calm down. Slow deep breaths.”

Danny gulped in oxygen like a man caught in an air pocket under a sinking ship. He almost laughed at the analogy. That was him, a sinking ship. The borrowed time he’d told Steve about was almost up and his ship was sinking

“Oh god,” he whispered as he fought back the choking feeling in his throat, “Oh my god.”

The detective felt the strong, cool hand release his neck and his baby-faced doctor now knelt beside Danny’s chair clutching the detective’s left arm tightly.

“Detective – Danny – look at me,” the young man commanded. 

Danny squeezed his eyes shut and shook his head. He wanted it to go away. He just wanted it to go away. Danny felt a hand grab his chin and tug gently until he was forced to turn his head. He opened his eyes and met the soft, sympathetic brown eyes behind Dr Choi’s thick lenses.

“I know this is devastating news for you,” Choi said, his voice firm and no-nonsense. “I know it must be terrifying to hear, but the blood test shows your CD4 levels are over 500 which is very good and your HIV viral load results show less than 10,000 copies per milliliter of blood. We are going to start anti-retroviral treatments immediately and as long as you keep fit and stay healthy and continue with the anti-retroviral treatments, there is an excellent chance you can live with this condition for years – even decades. In fact, if medical research continues to improve as it has over the last years you may very well die of old age before you ever die of an AIDS-related illness.” 

Choi examined Danny’s face carefully to see if his words were getting through. “Did you hear what I said Danny? Do you understand what I’m telling you?”

Danny swallowed heavily and gave a jerky nod of the head. Choi squeezed Danny’s arm then climbed back to his feet. Rather than move to sit behind his desk again, the doctor pulled up a chair next to Danny and put his hand back on the detective’s forearm. Danny carefully sat upright and took in several deep breaths trying to slow his pounding heart.

“As I’m sure you know,” Choi spoke gently now. “I have to report this positive test to the Hawaii Department of Health. They will need to interview you to determine the source of the virus. You’ll need to give a complete accounting of your sexual partners since your last clean test as well as disclose to them if you’ve taken part in any high-risk activity such as IV drug use, sharing needles….”

Danny gasped and jerked to his feet ripping his arm away from the doctor’s hand and glared down at the other man.

“I’ve never done IV drugs in my life. What the fuck? I’m a cop for god’s sake!”

“Detective, sit down,” the doctor commanded firmly. Danny pressed his lips together and dropped down in the chair with an offended thump, refusing to meet the doctor’s eyes.

“The fact that you’re a cop doesn’t exclude you from having a drug problem unfortunately,” Choi stated carefully. “But if you say you’ve never done IV drugs then I believe you. In any case, you’ll need to find out the source of the virus and you’ll also need to advise any other sexual partners you’ve had since you became infected.”

Danny felt a lump rise in his throat as tears flooded to his eyes. He knew exactly how he’d contracted the virus. He’d been trying to forget that night, that one stupid, fucked-up night. He’d almost succeeded. Thank god he hadn’t slept with anyone else since then.

Danny choked back a sob and pressed the back of his fist against his mouth. Choi’s firm hand left his forearm and gripped his shoulder.

“I know you’re scared but I promise you, HIV/AIDS research has advanced tremendously over the last decade. There’s every chance that you’re going to do well Detective. You’re a healthy young man and if you take care of yourself there is no reason that you shouldn’t be well enough to bounce grandchildren on your knee someday.”

That broke Danny. The thought of Grace, his beautiful baby girl growing up and becoming a mother, of his baby someday having her own children and him possibly missing it all…it broke Danny. He leapt to his feet and ran out of the doctor’s office.

**********

 

Danny felt his phone vibrating in his pocket but couldn’t seem to find the strength to pull it out and answer it. He couldn’t seem to find the strength to do anything but sit on this beach and stare listlessly at the waves. He’d driven around the island for several hours then finally stopped and stumbled to this beach. He had no idea where he was and didn’t care

He’d been so stupid, so god-damned stupid. That one night; that one encounter with a stranger in a bar; that one stupid, drunken mistake – he would never forgive himself, never. 

He took in a shuddering breath and blinked rapidly. How was he going to tell Grace? How would he tell his baby girl that because of one stupid, alcohol-fueled decision that any half way intelligent teenager would know not to make, he might not live to watch her grow up, might not live to walk her down the aisle or help her buy her first car or… Danny sank his face back into his hands feeling his body shiver as if he were sitting in the snow in Newark instead of the sands of Hawaii.

His phone vibrated again and he was suddenly overwhelmed with an intense feeling of rage. He pulled the offending device from his pocket and saw the grinning face of his partner on the screen. He jabbed the call answer button viciously.

“Leave me alone!” he screamed into the phone. “For five fucking minutes can’t you leave me alone?”

“Danny? What the…” Steve’s worried voice was cut off as Danny jabbed the end call button. He stood up on shaky legs and hurled the phone into the water as far possible. 

He just needed time. He just needed a bit of time to think.

The detective sank back into the sand; the rage that had swamped him momentarily fled almost instantaneously leaving him weak and listless.

 

**********

Steve felt his heart lodge in his throat as he jogged down Waimea Bay beach looking for any sign of his partner. Chin had tracked the phone’s signal to the North Shore before he’d lost it all together and Steve had been walking the beaches for an hour as the sun started to dip low on the horizon. 

After Danny’s hysterical screaming into the phone, the commander’s first instinct had been to bring Chin and Kono and the entire fucking HPD with him to search for their teammate. But something low in his gut told him that whatever was wrong with Danny didn’t require police assistance, it required a best friend.

In the three years he’d known Detective Danny Williams he’d seen the man enraged, terrified, incensed, apoplectic and exasperated but he had never, ever heard him sound the way he did when he’d answered the phone two hours ago – it chilled Steve to the bone.

Danny had mentioned that he had an appointment this afternoon but Steve couldn’t imagine what had happened to send his partner off the deep end like this. At first the Commander feared something had happened to Grace but a quick call to Rachel had confirmed the little girl was safe and unharmed.

Whatever had happened, whatever Danny was going through, Steve would be stand beside him. It had been only recently the two men had begun to acknowledge their feelings for each other and had taken the tentative steps towards building a relationship together. A few awkward dates and a bit of heavy petting had been the extent of it so far but both men knew they were heading towards something inevitable, something powerful, something that would fill the dark, empty corridors in both of their hearts.

Steve tensed as he caught sight of a blond-headed mad sitting slumped over on the beach. He recognized his partner right away – would recognize him from outer space. He began to run wildly down the beach anxious to get to Danny, desperate to gather the smaller man up in his arms and protect him from whatever new trauma the world had thrown at him.

Steve slowed several yards from Danny and walked toward the smaller man carefully as if he were approaching a skittish colt.

“Danny?” he prompted gently.

The blond man lifted his head in a startled jerk and stared wide-eyed at his partner. 

“Steve what are you…? I don’t want you to see me…I just need…”

Still moving slowly, Steve knelt down in the sand a few feet from his partner, his stomach churning at the look of utter devastation on his friend’s face. He reached out and touched the tips of his fingers to Danny’s shoulder then let them drop away.

“Danny? Babe, you’re scaring me. What’s wrong? Why are you sitting here alone?”

The blond man shook his head rapidly.

“I can’t, not yet, I can’t.”

“You can’t what?”

“I just need time to get used to the idea.”

Steve knit his eyebrows together and looked at his best friend warily.

“Danny, whatever it is I’m here for you. I’ll support you, you know that.”

One tear escaped from Danny’s right eye as he continued to shake his head rapidly, his hands fisting in the sand as if seeking purchase.

“I’ve ruined it all. Once you know you’ll never want to be with me again – never feel safe with me again.”

Steve felt his frustration mount along with his worry. 

“Danny!” Steve snapped, trying to keep his voice from rising. “I want you to tell me what’s wrong right now! Whatever it is we’ll deal with it I promise. I will stand by you, but you have to tell me what’s wrong.”

The blond man stifled a sob as he put one hand over his eyes. Steve could see him trembling. The former SEAL shifted closer to his friend until they were sitting side-by-side. Steve put his arm over Danny’s shoulders and squeezed.

“Danny…Jesus…please tell me,” Steve’s voice cracked from the growing fear in his gut.

Finally the blond detective took a deep breath and dropped his hand away from his face. He looked up at Steve with wet eyes.

“I…” he swallowed heavily and took another deep breath, “I’m HIV positive.”

Steve felt his stomach fall and his bones chill as if he’d walked into a deep freezer.

“Wh-what?” he whispered, his voice so strangled he could barely make it work.

Danny’s voice when he spoke again was flat and lifeless and that caused Steve to shiver in horror.

“I’m HIV positive. I went to the doctor today and he confirmed it.”

Danny’s eyes drifted out to the ocean as Steve stared at him numbly for a moment. Finally the SEAL let his arm drop away from his friend’s shoulders and he climbed to his feet to loom over Danny, his fists jammed on to his hips.

“He’s wrong obviously. He’s made a mistake or the lab has. Something is fucked up. There’s no way you have HIV.”

Steve began to pace angrily on the sand pounding his fist into his hand.

“We’re going back there and demand he take the test again…or we’ll find another doctor, someone who knows what they’re doing. This is a mistake Danny!”

Danny’s eyes slowly drifted back to Steve and he watched the taller man’s angry pacing for a few moments.

“It’s not a mistake,” he replied quietly.

Steve stopped and turned back to his partner, his face flushed with rage.

“Of course it is. It has to be. Your blood test last year was clean. You’ve never taken part in any high risk activities – never shared needles or used IV drugs or had unprotected sex. It’s a mistake.”

Danny pulled his lips in between his teeth and shook his head slowly. He dropped his eyes to the sand unable to look at Steve any longer.

“I did…I had sex with a stranger…seven months ago.”

Steve stared at Danny, his mouth hanging open. He felt his heart pounding in his chest as if he’d just awoken from a nightmare. Except in this case he awoke to a nightmare.

“You…what?”

“It was the evening of the day you came back from Japan with your mother, the day Malia died. I couldn’t…I felt so overwhelmed.” Danny began reciting the events of the night as if he were reading a news story rather than relating the misguided event that could very well change his life forever.

“I’d met with my lawyer the day before and he wasn’t too optimistic about my chances of winning the custody battle. Then Malia was murdered and Kono almost died and I wasn’t there to help either of them. Chin went through that alone and I…didn’t know what to do, how to handle it.”

Danny swallowed heavily and risked a glance up to Steve’s face. He saw the horrified expression and looked away immediately.

“You were with your mother, I didn’t want to intrude, didn’t want to burden you with my problems so I went to a bar. I just wanted a couple of drinks to settle my nerves but I… there was a guy there and he kept buying me drinks. He was kind and sympathetic. I needed someone Steve. I needed someone to lean on.”

Danny looked up again at Steve, his eyes now pleading for understanding.

“I was drunk. He took me back to his hotel room and he…fucked me.”

Steve felt bile rise in his throat and he had to swallow convulsively to keep from puking in the sand. He turned away from Danny to stare at the ocean.

“Why the fuck didn’t you use a condom?” he demanded his throat dust dry.

“We did,” Danny replied hurriedly. “We did but it…it broke. I didn’t know at first. I didn’t realized until I stood up and I could feel it…running down my leg.”

“Oh Jesus,” Steve whispered to himself in mute horror. He turned slowly back to stare at his partner as if he was looking at a man he no longer recognized. “Why didn’t you go to the doctor immediately? Why didn’t you start a course of anti-retroviral treatments?”

Danny shook his head and scrubbed his hand through over his scalp then fisted his hands in his hair.

“I don’t know,” the words choked out, “I don’t know. I just…he told me he was clean and I…I needed to believe him. Then we got busy and I pushed the memory out of my mind.”

“You’re a cop Danny!” Steve suddenly roared as he leaned over shoving his face inches from his partner. “You know about this shit. You’ve been trained. You can’t be that stupid. You’re a father. You had an obligation to be careful – to look after yourself. You stupid ass…”

“I know alright!” Danny screamed back, tears now streaming down his face. “I fucking know what I did…what this will do to Grace. Don’t you think I know?” 

Danny buried his face in his hands as Steve straightened up and stumbled away from his friend coming to a halt a few yards away. He wrapped his arms around himself and shuddered violently. He struggled to breathe properly, struggled to grasp what he’d been told. He took several minutes to compose himself before turning and looking back at Danny. The blond man sat staring at him mutely, tears rolling down his face.

Steve wanted to go to him, to wrap his arms around him and soothe him but…

“Come on,” the Commander said quietly, walking back to his friend and putting out his hand to help Danny to his feet. “I’ll drive you home.”

“Steve…?” Danny whispered the name brokenly.

“Just…” Steve shook his head. He bent down and put his hand under Danny’s arm and pulled the smaller man to his feet. “I just…give me some time ok? I just need to think.”

Danny nodded miserably as he followed Steve down the beach towards the Camaro. He knew what ‘I need to think’ meant. He’d heard the same thing from Rachel when she asked him to move out of their home five years ago. Whatever kind of relationship that had been developing between Steve and himself had just been destroyed. 

 

**********

 

Chin and Kono stood in the middle of the bullpen sandwiching Danny in a hug. The blond man could feel Kono shaking and sniffling as she clung to his back. He wanted to turn around and comfort her but Chin’s strong arms enveloped him and he couldn’t make himself let go of the older man. Not yet.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered feeling his throat tightening.

“Don’t apologize,” Chin replied firmly, his emotions boiling inside him but tightly contained. Danny needed his strength right now. 

“You haven’t done anything to apologize for – not to us. We love you Danny and we’re here for you no matter what.”

Danny squeezed his eyes shut and tipped his head to bury his face in his friend’s shoulder. 

“I know…I know you are.”

The detective felt Kono’s arms slip from around his waist and gently Chin released him too. The three friends stared at each other for a moment until Danny dropped his eyes away.

“I’m so stupid…” he began but Chin grabbed his shoulders and shook him firmly causing Danny to look up at the older man in surprise.

“You’re not stupid god damn it!” the Hawaiian officer growled. “You made a mistake, yes but you’re not stupid. We’ve all done things like that Danny. After Malia and I broke up four years ago I…fuck there were so many women. I took such chances. I could easily have ended up with HIV myself. It’s just dumb luck that I didn’t.”

“My first time with a boy we didn’t use anything,” Kono spoke softly, her face flushed in embarrassment as he tucked her hair behind her ear. “We hadn’t planned it and we weren’t ready. When I think about what could have happened…”

Danny felt a surge of love for these two decent, kind people. He’d told them the most devastating news of his life and they hadn’t flinched. They’d wrapped their arms around him and held him up as he cried. They had provided him the love and support that Steve…Danny shook his head. He wasn’t going to think about that right now.

“I have to tell Grace,” Danny moaned, his gut twisting in knots, “Jesus how am I going to tell Grace?”

Kono stepped forward all but pushing Chin out of the way. She grabbed Danny’s face between her hands and squeezed his cheeks until he was forced to look up at her.

“You listen to me Danny Williams and you listen well. This is NOT a death sentence. I’m sure your doctor told you that you could live for many, many years with this. There’s no reason to act like you’re going to die or to make Grace think that. I know you have to tell her but you are going to damned well wait until you get it through your thick, Jersey head that you’re going to be ok. That you’re going to be there to watch her grow up! You got that?”

Danny swallowed nervously and nodded as he met her fiery brown eyes with his own.

“If you give up,” the beautiful Hawaiian officer continued. “If you start acting like you’re going to die I’m going to kick your ass you hear me? Don’t think I won’t.”

Despite the tide of emotions he’d been battling since yesterday afternoon, Danny couldn’t help the small smile that quirked at the corners of his mouth. Trust Kono to make him feel better by threatening him with bodily harm.

“Yeah Kono, I hear you.”

The young officer nodded once then leaned forward to kiss Danny soundly on the lips.

“Good.”

Dropping her hands away from Danny’s face, Kono turned and marched off to her office, her two co-workers watching her go. Chin shook his head in fond exasperation before turning back to Danny. 

“She’s scary but she’s right.”

The blond detective nodded.

“Yeah, I know. I just need time to come to grips with this. I know it could be worse. Ten or 15 years ago I would have been given a few years to live. I know the life expectancy is far greater now.”

Chin smiled proudly at his friend and grasped the younger man’s bicep firmly.

“Don’t forget too that we’re all behind you – the whole team. We love you and we’re going to be here whenever you need us.”

Danny’s eyes suddenly filled with pain.

“I know you and Kono are but…”

Chin’s face dropped and he felt his heart skip.

“What do you mean? Has Steve said something? I thought he was with you yesterday?”

Danny nodded as he jammed his hands into the pockets of his pants.

“He was for a while but…” Danny pulled one hand from his pocket and waved it dismissively. Steve couldn’t help his feelings. Danny had destroyed their hopes for the future by his stupid actions. If their positions were reversed, Danny would probably feel the same way.

Danny tried to give Chin a reassuring smile. 

“He’s upset that’s all. You know how he gets when one of us is in trouble. He just needs time to come to grips with it like I do. He’ll be fine.”

Chin felt anger begin to build inside him but he forced it down and smiled warmly at Danny.

“Everything is going to be fine Danny, you’ll see.”

 

**********

 

Steve phoned into work that morning leaving a message that he had a number of meetings scheduled all day and probably wouldn’t be in the office. In fact he’d spent most of the morning in the ocean swimming at a punishing speed trying to work off the maelstrom of emotions threatening to swamp him.

Last night he’d dropped Danny off at his apartment and driven away. In his gut he knew it was wrong, knew he should stay with his best friend to comfort him but he couldn’t. Steve felt…he didn’t know how to describe his emotions and until he could get a handle on them, he knew he had to stay away from Danny. 

Two hours after first throwing himself into the ocean the former SEAL climbed out, every nerve ending and muscle screaming for relief. The dark-haired man grabbed the towel he’d left hanging on the back of one of his deck chairs then flopped down into the chair.

In the past, swimming had helped him settle his emotions but it hadn’t worked on this occasion. Every time he thought of Danny and that stranger and the broken condom and HIV…the Commander buried his face in the towel and held it there. Fuck he needed to pull himself together!

Steve climbed to his feet and trudged back to the house. Walking into the kitchen he grabbed the blender to make himself a protein shake. He needed to eat then shower then dress and by that time maybe he would know what the hell to say to Danny.

The Commander just finished spooning the protein powder into the blender when he heard a knock on his front door. He considered ignoring it but in his line of work that wasn’t really an option. With a sigh of frustration he put down the container of powder and walked into the living room and pulled the door open. A very angry looking Chin Ho Kelly stood on his porch.

“I want to talk to you,” announced the Hawaiian man before pushing past his boss and storming into the house.

“Come in,” Steve muttered as he softly closed the door. He turned back to meet the burning gaze of the Hawaiian detective.

“What’s the matter with you Steve?” Chin growled before his boss could even open his mouth. “Danny tells you he’s got HIV and you drop him off at home and drive away?”

“Chin…”

“I thought you loved him? I thought you cared about him?”

“I do…”

“Someone tells you they’ve contracted a virus that could cost them their life and you push them out of your truck and drive off?”

“I didn’t push him…”

“What kind of a friend does that?” Chin interrupted again, his voice rising with anger. “What are you doing anyway, cutting your losses before you get in too deep?”

“Chin that’s not fair!” Steve shouted at the older man.

The Hawaiian man looked Steve up and down with disgust.

“Or are you one of those ignorant people who think they can get HIV from kissing another person?”

“That’s enough Chin!” Steve shouted. “You have no idea how I feel or what I think.”

Chin threw his hands in the air in disgust. 

“You’re god damned right about that! I don’t have any idea why you’d think it was ok for Danny to be left alone last night. I don’t know why you’d think it would be ok to cower here at home rather than go to work and face your best friend – someone you purport to love!”

Steve shoved past Chin and marched back into the kitchen to finish making his protein shake. If he didn’t love and respect the Hawaiian cop so much he’d pick him up and throw him out of his house.

“Just leave it Chin. It’s none of your business,” Steve snapped back as he threw ice into the blender.

“None of my business!” Chin yelled from the entryway to the room. “None of my business? Where the fuck do you get off saying that McGarrett? Danny is my friend. I consider him a brother. Don’t tell me this is none of my business.”

Steve switched on the blender and let the ear-splitting whine of the powerful motor drown out Chin’s voice. From the corner of his eye he could see the Hawaiian detective still standing in the doorway, his arms crossed on his chest and an obstinate look on his face. He knew Chin would simply wait him out.

The SEAL sighed and switched the blender off but simply stared at it making no move to pour out the drink.

“I was upset ok,” he announced hoarsely. “I didn’t…I just felt so…fuck!”

Steve turned away and walked over to the sink and leaned on the counter to stare sightlessly out the kitchen window.

“How do you feel?” Chin asked quietly, his anger gone in a heartbeat at the sight of the crush of emotions on his boss’s face.

“I’m just…I don’t know. I don’t know how I feel,” Steve replied through gritted teeth. “I don’t know how to help him because I don’t know how I feel.”

Chin stared at the younger man for a moment. Danny was right; Steve had issues.

“You’re angry,” Chin stated flatly.

Steve shook his head rapidly but Chin’s eyes widened as he finally realized that was exactly what was going on.

“Yes, you’re angry. You’re angry at him for sleeping with that man. You’re angry with him for being so foolish. You’re angry that he contracted HIV. You’re angry that his life might be in jeopardy because of it.”

“No I…” Steve replied weakly. From the hunched set of Steve’s shoulders, Chin could see the emotional battle going on inside his boss.

“You’re pissed at him,” Chin taunted. As dangerous as it was, he had to get Steve to open up and deal with his feelings or the SEAL would be useless to Danny – and to himself. 

“You think he’s stupid. You think he’s careless. Part of you hates him for it – isn’t that right?”

“No!” Steve yelled, still standing with his back to Chin, his body tense with suppressed rage, his fingers gripping the counter.

“Yes Steve, that’s exactly what’s wrong. You’re mad at him for maybe fucking up his life and possibly your future together. You’re angry, just admit it.”

Without warning Steve grabbed a glass that had been draining on the side board and hurled it across the room. Chin had to duck to avoid the explosion of glass shards.

“Yes, goddamn it! Yes I’m angry!” Steve shouted his face flaming red and his hands clenched in fists. “I’m so fucking angry at him I feel like strangling him. The stupid son-of-a-bitch going off with some guy he doesn’t know and why? Because he didn’t want to bother me with his problems that night that’s why! The fucking idiot.”

Steve blindly reached for another glass and hurled it to the other side of the room finding a perverse satisfaction in the sight of it smashing into a million pieces.

“I love him god damn it. We’re supposed to be together. We’re supposed to have a future together. Grace is supposed to have a future with him and he fucked it up – literally – he fucked it up.”

Steve picked up one more glass and threw it across the room. That last effort of destruction seemed to break his rage and the SEAL slowly slid down to the floor, his back to the cupboards and his legs splayed out weakly in front of him, hands lying limply on his thighs. He began to sob in a way that he hadn’t done since his mother had supposedly died when he was 16 years old. He felt weak and humiliated but he couldn’t hold it in any longer.

Chin watched the younger man sympathetically before he too slid down against the cupboards several feet away from Steve and waited for the ex-SEAL’s emotional storm to pass.

A few minutes later a wet-faced and snuffling Steve looked up at Chin feeling suddenly shy and embarrassed.

“I’m sorry,” he croaked.

“For what?” Chin asked sadly, “for being human or for letting me see that you’re human?”

Despite his emotions Steve couldn’t help smiling at the older man. Nothing ever fazed Chin.

“I don’t know how to help him,” Steve admitted fearfully. “I don’t know how to let go of my anger and help him. I’m so afraid Chin. I’ve lost so many people…I’m so afraid he’s going to die and I don’t know how I’ll…”

Chin felt his throat tighten at his young boss’s admission. Steve might be a tough as nails, elite soldier but he was also a lonely man who was once a frightened, abandoned little boy. Chin slid over next to the Commander and put his arm around the taller man’s shoulders. Steve slumped against him.

“I know you’re scared. I am too. But this isn’t about us right now, it’s about Danny. We need to be there to help him. I believe in my gut that he’s going to be ok, that he will live to be an old man, but these next few days and weeks are going to be hell on him as he learns to live with this new reality and helps Gracie learn to live with it too.”

Steve nodded, unwilling to trust his voice at the moment.

“We need to be there for him Steve – you need to be there. He loves you and he’s convinced he’s lost you. He’s convinced himself that since he has HIV you don’t want to be around him because you’re scared he will infect you.”

Steve looked over at Chin, his eyes wide with horror.

“I don’t think that! I’m not worried about that Jesus! How can he believe I’d be so ignorant?”

Chin slid his arm from Steve’s shoulder and instead cupped his hand around the back of his friend’s neck. He gave the other man a gentle shake.

“He doesn’t know what to believe Steve. You took him home and left. He doesn’t know if you’re angry, disgusted, afraid or what.”

The ex-SEAL rubbed his hands tiredly over his face before looking over to meet Chin’s eyes again. 

“I’ll talk to him Chin. I’ll find a way to fix it.”

 

**********

 

Danny stayed motionless and quiet when a bedraggled looking Steve walked quietly into his office an hour later, sat down in a chair in front of Danny’s desk and hung his head. 

Danny wasn’t quite sure what to expect. Was Steve here to fire him? Tell him to go back to HPD? He decided to sit patiently to see what would happen.

“You didn’t have to come in today,” Steve mumbled softly still not lifting his head to meet Danny’s eyes.

The blond man shrugged and picked up a paper clip and began twisting it nervously. 

“Didn’t see much point sitting around at home obsessing. Besides, this is where my friends are. I didn’t want to be alone.”

Steve took in a ragged breath and looked up at Danny finally. The detective was shocked to see the taller man’s eyes shining with unshed tears.

“I was angry at you,” Steve finally offered regretfully. “You told me about that man in the bar and I was angry that you could do something so foolish.”

Danny dropped the paperclip and entwined his fingers tightly on his desk.

“I don’t blame you. I’m angry with myself.”

Steve shook his head and leaned forward in the chair.

“The thing is I had no right to be angry with you – none at all. We weren’t together then, I had no claim to you. Anger was just my first reaction and I couldn’t handle it. I had to get away before I said something I’d regret later.”

Danny licked his lips nervously and felt his stomach clench.

“Is that the only reason you left me alone last night?”

Steve shook his head slowly.

“No. I was also…I was scared. I heard HIV and I thought ‘death sentence’ and I got scared that I was going to lose you and that Grace would lose you. That the best thing that ever happened to me in my life was about to vanish. I was scared I would lose you and I was scared I wouldn’t be strong enough to help you.”

“You don’t owe me anything Steve,” Danny replied softly, tears now filling his eyes. “We’ve only had a few dates. You can turn and walk away right now. I won’t blame you if this is all too much to handle.”

“Danny,” Steve choked, his bottom lip now quivering as his hands clenched the arms of the chair. “I don’t want to walk away. I’ve loved you since the day I met you. I don’t want to walk away.”

Danny tightened his jaw and looked across his desk at the man he loved. He needed to be clear – to lay it all on the line.

“I’ll have to take pills everyday – pills with potentially debilitating side-effects. There will be no spontaneous sex. We’ll have to do everything with condoms. I’ll have blood tests every three months. Every time I get a cold I run the risk of contracting a more deadly disease that could end my life. We could face discrimination and people too repulsed by my condition to be near me. We could lose friends over this. We could have 50 years together or five – we don’t know.”

“We’ve never known that, Danno,” Steve responded promptly, his voice growing in strength, “Especially in our line of work.”

Danny nodded at the truth of those words. 

“I need you to think long and hard Steve. You could be taking on a huge burden. You could be signing yourself up for something you’re not prepared to handle. You need to be sure.”

Steve rose unhesitatingly from his chair and walked around Danny’s desk. Danny turned in his chair to look up at his partner who grabbed the smaller man by the biceps and pulled him to his feet, Danny’s face now inches from his.

“I know I love you Danny. I know I want to be with you and Grace no matter what. Let’s just figure out the rest as we go along ok?”

Danny lifted trembling hands to Steve’s chest and clutched at the taller man’s shirt desperately.

“You’re sure? You don’t need to…?”

Steve leaned down and kissed his lover, using his tongue to push Danny’s lips apart and explore inside. The smaller man moaned and pressed against Steve finally feeling the warmth and strength he needed.

Steve slowly pulled away.

“Let’s go home.”

**********

Steve was on his hands and knees on the bed, beads of sweat rolling down his back, his cock hard and dripping. Danny had opened and prepped him and now he was waiting for his lover to push his thick, beautiful cock inside him. 

Steve waited holding his breath in both longing and apprehension. He’d never done this with a man before and wondered if it was going to hurt. He just wished Danny would get on with it. Why was he taking so long?

The Commander looked over his shoulder about to tease Danny for dawdling when he saw his partner, hard cock sheathed a condom sitting slumped on the bed, one hand on Steve’s lower back, the other lying uselessly on the mattress.

“Danny?” Steve prompted, “come on baby I’m ready.”

The blond man looked up at his lover, his eyes filled with terror.

“I-I don’t think we should…I don’t think we should take the risk.”

Steve sighed quietly and turned around on the bed and sat down cross-legged next to his boyfriend.

“Babe we’ve talked about this. We’re taking every precaution. Nothing is going to happen.”

Steve reached out and cupped the side of Danny’s face with one hand. 

“Danny I love you, I want to be with you in every way possible.”

The detective man let out a shuddering breath.

“What if the condom breaks? What if I infect you? Steve I couldn’t live with myself if…”

“Danno!” Steve interrupted firmly sliding closer to his lover and putting both hands gently on the other man’s face.

“Babe listen to me, we’re not going to live in fear of this virus. We’re not going to let it control our lives or dictate how we live or how we express our love for each other. We’re taking precautions, we’re being smart but sex is important to both of us and we’re not going to give it up in the one-in-a-million chance that I could become infected too.”

Danny looked up at Steve and gave him a watery smile.

“Yeah? You’re sure?”

Steve gave Danny a lecherous grin and waggled his eyebrows before leaning over and sucking Danny’s now-flagging cock into his mouth, his tongue running firmly up and down the thick vein on the underside.

“Oh fuck!” Danny grunted pushing his hips unconsciously upward trying to shove himself deeper into Steve’s mouth.

Steve pulled his mouth off Danny’s cock with a smack and smiled again at his love.

“Now, are we going to fuck or should I just...?” Steve began palming his own erection and Danny growled and slapped the taller man’s hand away.

“Don’t touch it’s mine!” he ordered. “Get back on your hands and knees.”

Steve grinned happily and turned on the bed and came up on his hands and knees again. Taking a moment to slick himself up with lube, Danny came to his knees behind Steve, lined up his penis with Steve’s hole and began pushing in slowly.

Steve tipped his head back moaned. Danny stopped pushing.

“OK babe?” 

Steve nodded. 

“Yeah just…it’s ok. Burns a bit but nothing I can’t handle. Keep going Danny.”

With a nervous lick of the lips Danny continued to push until he was fully buried inside Steve’s perfect ass. He froze, hands on Steve’s hips, forcing himself to hold still until Steve got used to him and signaled that he was ready.

“Danny,” Steve whimpered desperately, his breath coming in short gasps.

“Ready babe?”

Steve nodded again.

“Yeah, please Danny.”

The blonde man started with slow, shallow thrusts that sent sparks of electricity up and down his spine. Steve moaned again and pushed back unconsciously as if asking for more. Taking a firmer grip on Steve’s hips, Danny pulled almost all of the way out of Steve and then slammed back in. Steve’s back arched and he cried out.

“Oh God Danny…” the former SEAL moaned, “Please…fuck…”

Danny leaned further over his lover’s body and began rhythmically thrusting into Steve, picking up the tempo and shifting his position slightly to ensure each thrust made contact with Steve’s prostate.

“Oh god,” Steve began to moan, “fuck…yes…”

Shifting his weight slightly, Danny slid his right hand off Steve’s hip and reached around Steve to grasp his lover’s cock causing the dark haired man to cry out again.

Danny bit his bottom lip and released a long, low moan at the feeling of being completely buried inside Steve’s tight heat and of the sounds of Steve’s ecstasy. 

Stripping Steve’s cock rapidly, Danny felt his boyfriend’s muscles tense and gather and with a shout, Steve shuddered to his orgasm, his hot come spilling through Danny’s fingers. As Steve slumped forward to rest on his forearms, Danny returned both hands to Steve’s hips and pounded into him, his thrusts erratic and desperate. With one final thrust Danny threw back his head and cried out as his orgasm ripped through him. 

Danny slumped wearily over Steve’s sweat-dampened back, happy to drift in a post-orgasmic haze until reality crashed back into his consciousness. He gently pulled his softening cock from Steve and removed the condom. He clambered off the bed hurriedly and switched on the bedside light to examine the condom carefully.

“It’s ok baby,” Steve murmured from the bed where he watched Danny sadly. "I didn’t break. I’m alright.”

Danny swallowed hard then nodded. He tied off the condom and threw it into the garbage then switched off the light before climbing back into the bed with Steve. The taller man wrapped Danny in his arms and settled his lover against his chest.

“I don’t ever want to get complacent,” Danny whispered with a small shudder. “I don’t ever want to take chances.”

Steve lifted his head to kiss Danny’s forehead.

“We won’t get complacent babe. Everything is going to be ok. I know you’re worried and scared but I’m not afraid to be with you – I want to be with you no matter what…especially if you keep getting me off like that.”

Danny smiled and turned his head slightly to place a gentle kiss on Steve’s chest.

“I love you babe.”

 

**********

“Just put that box over there please Chin.”

Danny put down the box he was carrying in the middle of the living room while Chin put his down on the coffee table. The blond man straightened up and looked around Steve’s living room – their living room. Despite the fact that Danny had purchased very little since coming to Hawaii, there seemed to be a hell of a lot of boxes and he knew he’d better get busy either unpacking stuff or shoving it into the attic before Lt. Commander Ship Shape blew a gasket.

Danny smiled as he watched Kono carrying in his one surf boards while Grace walked by him with a small box of their DVDs. The team had been a huge help, not just with this move but with supporting Danny as he came to grips with the new reality of living with HIV.

“We’re heading out now Danny,” Chin announced as he wiped his sweaty forehead with the bottom of his tee-shirt.

“You’re coming back later for the barbeque though right?” Danny inquired as he trailed the two cousins to the open door.

“Absolutely,” Kono replied with a smile. “I’m hungry and I plan to eat you out of house and home.”

Danny nodded sagely. The thin, beautiful Hawaiian woman could pack it away when she wanted to. 

As Danny waved at them from the doorway Steve pushed by him into the house carrying a heavy box of books. He dropped them down just inside the door before straightening up and wrapping an arm around Danny’s shoulders.

“That’s the last of it,” he sighed. “Thank god we got you out of that rat hole.”

Danny rolled his eyes and slapped Steve lightly on the shoulder.

“Enough Super SEAL, you got your way already. I’m here, I’m moving in with you and now you’ll never get rid of me!” 

Steve grinned and bent down so his mouth was centimeters from Danny’s.

“No, I’m not getting rid of you,” Steve murmured. “I’m keeping you – forever.”

Steve pressed his lips against Danny’s but was interrupted when Grace entered the room and tapped Danny on the arm.

“It’s 3 o’clock, Danno,” the little girl announced firmly, “Time to take your medicine.” 

Danny looked down at his daughter who was holding the brown leather bag he’d stuffed all of his drugs into earlier during the last of the packing.

Grace had taken to supervising his intake of his medications while she was with him and often called him when she was with her mother to ensure he was sticking to the strict regimen the doctors had prescribed.

Danny took the bag from his daughter and ruffled her hair fondly.

“Thank you Dr. Gracie. I’ll take them right now.”

The detective walked into the kitchen and pulled a glass out of the cupboard and held it under the tap. He smiled as he heard Steve and Grace in a good-natured argument about the movie they would watch tonight – Steve getting his own way by tickling Gracie then picking her up and tossing her onto the couch.

As he heard his little girl’s shriek of joy, Danny’s mind flashed back to the afternoon he told Grace about the HIV. He’d racked his brain for days for the perfect way to tell a 10-year-old that her father had made a foolish mistake and had contracted a potentially deadly virus. In the end he realized there was no perfect way and he just sat her down after dinner one night and told her.

For as long as Danny lived he would never forget the horrible sounds of his baby sobbing in fear that she was going to lose her Danno. For two days she wouldn’t be more than five feet from Danny, convinced he would simply vanish if she let him out of her sight. He still remembered coming out of the bathroom one morning thinking she was still in bed and finding her curled up on the floor outside the door.

Finally Steve took matters into his own hands. He and Grace spent hours on the computer researching HIV (on websites Danny was sure the SEAL had already pre-screened). Then one Saturday Steve took the little girl to the Life Foundation AIDS support organization on Ala Moana Boulevard to talk to a few of the staff members who provided HIV and AIDS educational programs in schools. 

Grace was now more knowledgeable about HIV than even Danny was and that knowledge, combined with her growing interest in medicine and medical research, helped her deal with her fear for her father better than any soothing words from him.

It was Steve’s wonderfully intuitive way of dealing with Grace that finally convinced Danny to move in with his super SEAL. Danny had at first decline Steve’s generous offer convinced that his partner was only asking him to move in because Danny was worried about the cost of his HIV antiretroviral medication. Even with his state health insurance, Danny was already finding the almost $19,000 a year to be a significant financial burden coupled with rent, food, child support and all of the other expenses that came from living on an island seemingly priced for rich tourists. He finally agreed to Steve’s invitation when he realized the former SEAL wanted him in his home and was anxious to create a family with Danny and Grace.

Steve came into the kitchen as Danny swallowed down the last of his pills. The taller man pressed himself tightly against Danny’s back and wrapped his arms around his lover dipping his head to kiss Danny’s neck. The blond man sighed in contentment and tipped his head back to rest it on Steve’s muscular shoulder.

“It’s good to be home,” Danny murmured quietly.

Steve laid a gentle kiss on Danny’s forehead.

“It’s good to have you home Danno.”


End file.
